the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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