I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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