the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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