i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
