dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
