I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Randomize
