Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Every concussion has its silver lining
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
