my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
