We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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