I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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