did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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