Sry I called you an 8
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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