Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
