So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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