I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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