It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
