I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
