wake up i wanna do it froggy style
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
