My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
then he tried to convert me to islam
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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