I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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