guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Operation Purity has been aborted
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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