I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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