I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
