I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
