my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
