my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
How's work?
Spinning.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
