my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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