I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
