I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
