Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I fill condoms, not promises.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
