I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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