I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Couch. On fire.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
