I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize