Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
