He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It was a blind-side dick pic.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
