Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
