; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
