i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
