My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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