I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
