when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
