Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize