Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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