I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
