Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
