i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
