i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
