trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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