I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
