my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
