apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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