its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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