Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
