His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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