my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
