I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
