I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
