just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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