Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
