Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You need Xanax blowdarts
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
