You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
