my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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