Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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