I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
