What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
