wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
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