The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
